Im at strip club and am horny
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
