How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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