I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
