Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
