Kiss
Puke
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
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