I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
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He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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