he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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