Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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