I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
