Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
