Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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