in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
