Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize