If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
