My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
