Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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