Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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