I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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