Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
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I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
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Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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