just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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