question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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