i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
