I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I have post one night stand depression
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
