Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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