I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
