Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
