P.S. I can't hear my feet
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
