You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
