I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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