for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
