The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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