when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Randomize
