I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
