I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
