And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
