I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Barsexuality is the new black.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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