I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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