Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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