There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
