I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
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I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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