things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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