Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
