We won't sleep together?
I am spending my child support on dildos
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.