I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
31 Times Kim Kardashian Showed Her Love For Balmain
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
19 Tricks To Help You Join The Mile High Club
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.