Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Everclear isn't food dammit
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex