: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
