So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update