I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize