Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
