Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
We are all done wearing pants today
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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