You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
