Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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