I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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