I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
